not always the little things

You hear people talking about “the little things” all the time. 

“Oh it’s all about the little things.” or “Appreciate the little things.” 

Okay, I guess to an extent, you definitely should count those little things as small pleasures and moderate blessings…but don’t let it stop you from dreaming the big things. Don’t stop planning bigger and better and more. 

I won’t lie…all my life I’ve been a huge advocate of “oh well it could ALWAYS be worse, so you might as well just deal with it” and “I should just be satisfied with how things are…no ambition for me”…but in recent years, that no longer sits well with my soul. I’m restless and feeling to the core of me that I could be so much more than who I am now. This sense that God created me for a higher understanding of his world, and to create beauty in my own turn , is just too intense for me to ignore. 

There’s this idyllic life I’m striving for…and though it might be quite audacious…I presume that I will arrive at that lovely lovely destination somewhere in the not-so-far-away future. There’s just one thing holding me back – me. I imagine myself to externally be who everyone externally sees. I feel like I’m not allowed to show who I am, what I think…and it just makes me ache. I mean, if you see me tomorrow, and you bring up this post, I won’t be able to look you in the eye because I don’t know how to BE myself. People say that all the time…”be yourself”. But I literally don’t know how to be that free. Fun fact: did you know that for most of my life I’ve loved pink, dresses, dancing, shopping and all manner of little womanlinesses? Well, it’s true. More interesting though, is the reason I never admitted to it (and my hunch is that I’m soooo not the only one). I believed that I wasn’t allowed to be a girl. I wasn’t pretty enough to feel feminine. Those sweet little wonders were reserved for the little princesses who fit into clothes from “Limited Too” and didn’t have big feet and were complete social butterflies. THIS is the mentality I need to overcome to be able to move on with life….and it’s a BIG THING!

Is there something in your life you have a massively hard time with that just seems so insignificant to those who have mastered it easily? It’s a big deal to you right? It’s an insecurity, a hope, maybe a dream. Sure, the little things add spice to your life and keep you going from day to day…but what if you finally overcame that ONE thing you always struggled with? And what if, because you mastered it, your whole life changed…no matter how insignificant. It’s like the first domino in a chain…and everything falls into place. 

Well…this is my domino. Am I worthy? Is this it? Can I finally live now? 

This is the beginning.

keep walking

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Telling stories honestly is one of the most difficult things for me. I’m terrified of people seeing into me, and seeing deeply into a person who differs so much from the young woman they have always “known”. Lately I find that my most prolific desire is to be absolutely known for my heart and my thoughts…and the way I live my life. 

Have you ever felt that your heart and your life situation are in two totally different places? I’m on a journey; a journey to intersect my dreams with my reality. 

Many of you don’t know the story of these past few years, and that’s okay. I’m not really ready or willing to divulge every stitch of it — suffice it to say that a medical condition caused me to lose a large percentage of my eyesight, preventing me from doing what I love. Reading, driving, and especially photography were almost completely out of the question and I was in almost constant intense pain because of fluid pressure headaches. Headache isn’t even a good word for them…come to think of it, neither is migraine. When my head would throb my eyes would involuntarily close with the force of the pain pulsing outward. I’m still nursing the idiopathic wounds that are in this body’s nature, but I’m here. I’m safe. I’m loved. Through much prayer and blessing, I’m on the road to complete recovery, and despite fickle vision, I can see enough to drive, to read, and (praise Jesus!) to photograph. 

Chronic illness has a way of both strengthening and weakening its host. I will probably write about the aftermath in future posts, but for now, take the above photographs as an illustration. Life ends. Life hurts. To live is to die, but you can’t be static. You have to keep walking. For better or worse, keep walking. 

the brink

 

 

You won’t see many photos of me. I despise them. I suppose the root of it is that I’m not satisfied with who I am, but I’m working toward it. Love from someone else is so crucial in helping to define who you are, and eventually in learning to love yourself. 

This is my little sweet bean and her ever-loving daddy. Together we will dance through life, living well.

brass bones

model – mae merta

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If i can count one thing as certain lately, it’s that complacence isn’t an option. Between a reunion with my first obsession – photography, and the two new and eternal loves of my life – Ethan and Scarlette, marriage plans, disappointments, worries, tears and pitter-patters of the deepest of deep heart joy, everything is teaching me that I have to keep moving. I have to keep growing.

All I long for is peace…just calm and home and softness and the opportunity to nestle into life with my new little family, and that day will come. Until then, this will be an every-so-often diary chronicling the love, change, wandering, and evolution of the Martin-Lee family, with all the photographic beauty in the world to go along with it.